Personal Update: Re-Entrance To Hell

It’s morning.

I don’t think I’ll be able to pay all my bills for December. I might, but then I’ll be completely broke. I certainly can’t afford to do anything for any of my friends or family for the holidays. I’m looking for work, but my options seem like awful jobs that would induce a mental breakdown just like being a substitute teacher did.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m afraid. I’m sure someone out there reading this will think “Just get a job, beggars can’t be choosers” and they’re not wrong. But I’m not begging. I just want to stay alive. Should I not even ask for that?

A friend told me about an “opportunity” doing some shift work at $12/hour, but the shift means I won’t get to see Callie hardly at all, and to think of my life being worth $12/hour brings me back to the low, low feelings I’ve been trying to cope with for years now.

I’m probably going to have to take it. So this post is somewhat for me, trying to convince myself that that’s all that I’m worth. I’m just a nothing of a human being, so that’s all I deserve anyway right? It’s been so nice to not cry everyday, but apparently earning money is the punishment I get for not being happy.

I’m sorry reader. I’m usually not this “sorry-for-myself” but I’m at a big loss today. I just can’t believe that’s all anyone thinks I’m worth. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I don’t know how any of you do it. If you have any advice, please, please let me know what it is.

I’m not sure what else to say. I’m not sure what to do. I’m writing today so at least I can feel like I’m trying to do something that could turn into something that makes money, but I don’t make any money from the blog so, I don’t really know what I’m doing here. I guess trying to feel a little less alone and a little less miserable.

I don’t really have a reason then to keep doing this. If I’m working, especially weird shifts, then I probably won’t feel like writing. I don’t know that I’ll want to when I wake up. I don’t know if I’ll have time. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of. Not being able to do this thing that I like anymore, simply because I won’t have the energy, or the motivation. I’m running out of hope that this will turn into anything profitable.

Since I’ve moved the blog readership is up a little bit from what it was before, and that’s good, but I don’t know how to continue that, or do anything that generates money from that. I guess I might have to run ads, but then I have to sacrifice giving a shit about other people’s lives so that I can live. What kind of a system is that? I don’t want to disrespect the lives of my readers like that. So I won’t.

I need to call about the job I was told about. It makes me feel sick to my stomach even thinking about it. My life is worth more than $12/hour. I’m technically making nothing right now, but the value my writing has for even one person might be priceless compared to that. I’m sacrificing so much of what I believe in just to be able to pay bills and stay alive. Is it even worth living at that point? If you lose so much of yourself, that you aren’t even you, then what do you do? I don’t know.

I don’t even have the mental energy to work on other writing right now. That was my plan earlier. Call about the job. Write all day to maybe get myself out of this hole. I’m not going to force myself to write garbage because that doesn’t really get me out of the hole does it? Just sideways a little.

I’m okay with moving sideways in life, but my current slope is pretty downwards. I don’t need to be rich. I don’t need to have lots of things. I just have to pay bills and remain alive.

I think if I go on it will just be more of the same. I’m just sitting, trying to contain myself so I can make this call without breaking down.

Hopefully I can write something better tomorrow.