Good Afternoon.
I don’t have a specific topic to write on today. I’ve got a lot of a little roaming around in my head and rather than force myself to pick something to focus on, I thought that perhaps the best content I could produce today would simply be a stream of consciousness.
The post is also later than I usually do. I try to write my blog posts as close to waking up as I can, since that’s when the human brain is most active, and I’ve usually got something in-mind that was milling around in my thoughts from the night before that I’d like to get out.
That being said, I used my time this morning to help my grandmother. She had an eye surgery and needed someone to drive her to and from the appointment. I love helping my family out, and knowing I can never truly repay what my family has done for me throughout my life, I try to help out as much as I can, when I can. So rather than write a blog post this morning, I was playing chauffeur.
I don’t feel bad about having a less focused blog post, but I’ve been writing about more heavy stuff lately and it’s nice to have something a little lighter to share with the world.
I’ve been in such a better mood since Callie came home, and it’s not fair to place the burden of my happiness on her (or anyone else for that matter), and she knows that I value her but don’t expect that from her. We’re really good at coexisting and supporting one another simply by existing and being there.
I’m not as fueled by frustration or depression as I have been, which might suggest that I should be writing more. I’m still working on a bigger, yet-to-be-announced project that I mentioned I might tease a little while back, but I’m still not ready to even tease it.
It’s interesting for me, to be in a place of greater peace and clarity. In that vein, I’ve been doing an hour of yoga with Callie each day since she’s been home, and even though that’s only been twice, that is a very calming exercise. I was skeptical about yoga before, not like, “Oh that’s just goofy” but, wasn’t sure what it could do for me. I suppose we don’t know what something will do to us until we try it for ourselves.
Perhaps it’s Callie’s leadership and calming tone that makes it so relaxing, but it’s also exercise. I break a sweat and can feel my heart rate increase a little during parts of the practice. It’s not easy, although I’ve had a good sense of balance since I was little kid and have always been a quick learner.
I was laying in savasana not an hour ago, and felt the strongest sense of inner peace I’ve felt in longer than I can remember. It’s fascinating. More so than even after any of the meditation I’ve done in years past. Someone I used to work with didn’t separate yoga from meditation. To her, yoga is meditation, and I finally understand what she meant.
I think that also contributed to the lack of focus in my writing today. When your mind is a blank slate and you start thinking and brainstorming, it’s like making sketches all over your canvas before you even start painting. It’s a little disorganized and you’ve got so many ideas and little starts of things you don’t want to pick one thing to paint over all the rest with.
Clarity is an interesting concept because while it’s tremendously relaxing, cleansing, calming, whathaveyou, it also leaves you with more space than you need to create something. So much space in fact, that it would be a disservice to oneself to fill that space with only one work of art.
That makes me ask myself, would I rather be happy and at peace? Or would I rather be creating things? It’s been a while since I’ve been as calm, centered, and together as I’ve been feeling these past couple days. I’m not truly sure what to do with myself. I know what to do when I’m feeling down, I write about it to help myself feel better, to get out all the thoughts and ideas, to be generative. Do you have to be generative to be happy? Yes and no.
It depends on what you’re generating. Like I wrote about yesterday, love is created as a result of sharing time with one or more people, and I’ve been generating lots of love lately. It’s unfortunate that our world demands that people generate money just to stay alive and comfortable, when they could be generating love and happiness. Those aren’t mutually exclusive, but for me at least, it’s much easier to do the latter when I don’t have to do the former. I’d imagine I’m not the only one who feels that way either.
I’ve got some other stuff in the works. Like muffins in the oven, or bread dough stored for months in the freezer, some ideas will surface soon, and others won’t be used for a longer while. But for now, it’s intensely refreshing to be focusing on the present moment, being free to help my grandmother, spend time with Callie, learning new things, and exploring my options for the future.
I don’t have very long to do this, and I’m cherishing each minute that I get before I return to some, near inevitable drudgery. I’m trying to lay some foundation so that the drudgery doesn’t have to last long either. I feel like, I can actually be thinking of my future, and doing things that I need to in order to take care of myself.
I’ve shared time with family, with Callie, helped out, learned, I made a dentist appointment for myself. I’m not sponsored or anything, but Aspen Dental in Barre/Berlin has free new patient appointments for people over 21 without insurance, thank goodness there are some healthcare professionals out there that actually care about doing their work for people who need it over making money. Perhaps that’s really helped my mentality lately too, to know someone out there is doing what they love because they know it needs to be done and people need it, not because they need money. Yeah, that’s definitely helping.
So that’s me lately. Tomorrow morning doesn’t hold anything special, so I should be back on track with something usual and dare I say expected. Either way, I’m glad to be writing, and I’m glad people are reading, connecting with my writing, and engaging with it and with me.
Thank you, and have a lovely afternoon.
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