Good morning.
I just put the beers leftover from a camping trip almost a full month ago in the fridge. Tomorrow, I get to drink them.
I was excited when I woke up, knowing that I could drink and all again tomorrow. I’m not 100% sure of what to make of it though. I’m going to have some coffee or tea, although I’m not sure what I’ll do for breakfast since supplies are running low.
I get to visit at a teen center where they have someone there running a D&D game, and instead of hiring me, the director asked me to come by and introduce myself. I’m not sure what purpose it will serve. Hopefully, if nothing else, I can inspire their DM to do a better job, although DMing isn’t something you can learn from an hour of asking questions, it takes years to be truly adept. I’m disappointed they didn’t hire me, but maybe next time? I don’t know, I should be grateful to have any sort of opportunity at this point. What sucks is that I can’t truly appreciate it since I really need some income, and it’s hard to think about being social and interactive when you’re worried about more basic needs.
I get to drink tomorrow, I think that will perk me up, although I don’t think I should feel very good about it. I get to smoke again, and I think I might actually get to bed before 2am, which would be wonderful. I want to vape, but can’t justify spending the money. I think caffeine and weed will be a solid go-to for a little while.
After my, what should be a consulting job, I have to go to the store anyway, so I think I’ll get some booze there. Maybe order a pizza for dinner to pickup on the way home as well. No I almost definitely will, I’ve been planning this out all week because I haven’t wanted to go out at all.
I have to go to the bank as well, and pay rent for November. Other bills will be due soon too, and after paying them, I don’t know if I’ll be shocked into realizing I need to think about work, or paralyzed by the first thought of it. I’m kind of paralyzed now.
I looked at jobs yesterday in my melancholy, and there’s nothing that involves sitting alone doing some quiet, mindless task, that pays enough to pay my bills. Mind you, my girlfriend and I have an amazing deal on our rent and living expenses, it’s basically a car loan, student loans, and rent that require more than 40 hours at minimum wage. I don’t think I could work 40 hours in a week again. I don’t know. I’m terrified to try.
I feel like I’d be disrespecting myself if I did. I’m worth so much more than what anyone could pay. We all are. Whatever you’re being paid at work, you’re worth multitudes more. It’s so sick to put a price on human life, but that’s what work is. You give up your time being alive for some imaginary numbers in cyberspace.
I’m envious of my girlfriend, who is currently doing something she absolutely loves, living, eating, learning, and breathing her practice in a mystical place. However, she gave up two years of her life to be able to do that for almost a month, almost. Is it worth it? I’ll have to ask her when she comes home. I don’t want to make her think about all the bullshit she’s dealt with and the misery she’s felt over the past two years while she’s trying to enjoy one month of the closest to happiness she’s probably ever felt.
I don’t know that the bullshit is worth it for me. But I don’t know what else to do. Drink I guess. That’s why I’m nervous about tomorrow. I’m fucking terrified.
I have to go out in public again. People don’t like me. I don’t care about what petty nonsense they’re doing in their life to cope with the fact that their life is a timeline of systematic abuse and everything they know can be sourced back to a teacher or parent who encouraged them to do things “the way they’ve always been done.” And they don’t care to hear how their life can be reduced as such. Maybe people don’t not like me, maybe they don’t like the truth of the matter.
Anyway, I have no idea what the future holds. Sober October was really good at making me worry, eat less, be unable to sleep, and feel terrible about my life. I’m ready to not feel so terrible again, without having to sacrifice my values and beliefs.
Wow, I do sound like a self-medicating looney don’t I? You trying to explain why I should get a job and fall in line still makes you sound more sick than me. We’re slaves, modern slaves, to a system you can either be a part of, or not. That’s the choice. I really, REALLY, don’t want to be a part of a system that systematically destroys human happiness. I can’t do that and feel happy myself. No wonder people tell me that I sound stuck.
My mother thinks I enjoy this. She thinks that my knowledge of suffering makes me happy, which is insane. I wish my parents could understand. I wish anyone could, but it seems I’m alone in my thinking, which serves to make everything harder. If I can’t convince people who I’ve known my entire life, and who I’ve believed were intelligent, and wise human beings, how can I convince anyone?
I hate to say it, but perhaps being not sober will bring me clarity on the matter. That’s strange to think, that inhibiting ones mind can bring clarity more so than freeing it of outside influence?
I’ve been exercising. Fifteen minutes a day, all week so far. It doesn’t make me feel good, but I know if I’m going to be drinking again, and wish to live, that I need to. I don’t know why I’m sharing that. Maybe someone will encourage me about it. Maybe no one will care. It’s not something I would have to care about if I could work, like survival work, not meaningless work.
There’s no outside to get to in the city. There’s no work to be done. I can’t grow my own food here. I can’t build my own house.
I’ve been thinking, that perhaps when my girlfriend is back to monitor the apartment and keep our cat alive, that I’ll go to the woods at my folks house for a couple weeks. Leave everything behind, and just see if I can survive. See what that’s like. Build a small shelter. Cut my own wood. Find my own food. Although food will be scarce. I’ve never had squirrel before, but I’ve seen how to clean them. You can live three weeks without food right? Maybe I plan for two weeks and bring some trail mix or something just in case. Even that feels like a cop-out.
Do I deserve to live? I’d like to find out. I’d like to do something to help me figure out what I’m supposed to be doing here, and how I’m supposed to live in a world specifically engineered to kill me.
This is the last day of Sober October. It’s going to be long, and I guarantee I’ll be awake at midnight to enjoy a beer and bowl and hopefully sleep before my big day out tomorrow.
I miss having people to interact with that care about the things I care about. My friends talk about politics and nonsense that wouldn’t matter if human beings used their brains, which astounds me because intellectually, they may all be smarter than me, but they don’t view the world honestly. They’ve been abused to long, and will defend their abuser at any cost to themselves.
It will be good to talk about fantasy worlds, where things make sense, and lives are easier, albeit more dangerous. The threat of survival is better than the threat of man-made suffering, at least mentally. Physically it is challenging, but a physical challenge would be good for a world growing more and more overweight. The mental meaningfulness of it all would also seek to aid with the depression and anxiety that run rampant in our world today.
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m here, writing, sharing my thoughts with you dear reader. Thank you for listening to me. There aren’t many who do anymore.
