I read a Reddit post today while at work that was a TIFU (Today I F***** Up), about a man who apparently f’ed up his whole life.
He outlines the 26 years he spent from age 20 to 46, and talks about who he was at 20 and what he wanted to do with his life, and where he was at now. He hadn’t done anything he wanted to do, his relationships changed, and his attitude towards working as a banker, changed him fundamentally as a person.
I’ve been fighting tooth and nail to not feel good about my new job. I mentioned that I had one, but I didn’t say what it was. I work in what is effectively the mail room/mail department at a company, so far primarily scanning documents for digitization. It’s really not a bad job. The pay is a little low, but who isn’t underpaid these days, even if you like money. Anyways, it’s about a half-hour from home, low pay, super easy work both physically and mentally, and I’m a temp so no benefits, but whatever this isn’t about that.
It doesn’t suck, and I’ve got family that has worked there, so many people know me from my grandfather who worked there for something like 40 years, and I feel like I have to uphold some degree of reputation. People like me for the most part, or as far as I can tell, everyone is nice to me, and my job is easy, who am I to complain?
I wouldn’t say I like it, I tolerate it, but I wouldn’t say I like it, nor would I say I dislike it. It just is for now. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s just me, but this morning I was fighting back tears on my way out the door, and as I’m sitting here thinking about doing it again tomorrow, I’m fighting back tears again.
I don’t want to like it, I want to hate it enough that it motivates me to do something different. I don’t need to hate it, but I need to like something else more.
See? That’s my issue, and how I relate to the man who posted about ruining his life. I don’t have goals and dreams. I’m 25, and I want nothing out of this life. Maybe that’s my problem.
I have beliefs, and values, and principles, but I don’t have hopes and dreams, I don’t have goals. That’s not 100% true, but all of my goals are things I’ve been holding onto since I was a young teen like I want to buy a private island, and I want to make a video game. I don’t really, but that’s all I know. I haven’t stopped to think about what I want out of my life. When I’m working, I’m doing so, and not thinking about my future or personal projects. More often than not I’m actively trying to not obsess over what time it is.
When I’m home, I’m decompressing from work, cooking, cleaning, writing, or playing games. I’m not thinking “What could I be doing right now to help me achieve my life goals?” Maybe that’s okay, maybe my goal is to just live. I think that’s what it’s been for a while now, but I can’t plan, I can’t work towards freeing myself from the rat-race, I’m not sure what I’m doing. Sometimes I look back on a day and just don’t know what I’ve done with it. That doesn’t bother me like perhaps it should, but I’d like to be able to do something different? More? I’m not sure. I just don’t know what I’m doing here.
I’m going to think about this more in the immediate and nearby future. I’m going to talk to Callie about it, maybe my dad too. I wish I could ask my grandfather about his life.
Anyways, I actually felt like writing when I got home from work, so here it is, I got it out, I feel a little better. What doesn’t feel better is that I don’t have any more answers than I did 20 minutes ago, only more questions. Maybe I won’t keep a writing schedule anymore…no that feels dangerous, like I’ll just stop without some kind of mental fence to keep my ambitions in sight. Whatever they end up being.
I do want to write more. I don’t know what to write sometimes, that why I write a blog. I can kind of write what I want, when I want, be it short story, poem, or opinion piece. Sometimes I just vent, but it’s been a while.
I’m gonna think about this and get back to you.
P.S. Oh, here is that Reddit post I mentioned at the beginning. I also know that I don’t want to be like that guy when I’m 46.
