Hello there, nice to see you here.
I’m getting back into blogging, for a number of reasons, and I wanted to be more transparent, and genuine. I wrote a while back in a post called Daily Musing: Honesty, Self Disclosure that I wanted to be more open about myself, and that it hopefully will help both myself, and any readers who are experiencing similar things, or know someone who is.
So hey there, I go by jmskoda5 on every online platform I have a presence on, Twitter, Xbox, Playstation, WordPress, Reddit, you name it. Feel free to seek me out elsewhere although my online presence has been weak in the past, I’m making another attempt to gain some space for myself online.
This past summer, I worked for the Vermont Department of Labor (VDOL) doing youth outreach. Basically, I went to community locations and attempted to spread the word and raise awareness of VDOL programs and services. I also did some work with individual youth in going out and making connections with businesses to help find them jobs, internships, and other opportunities. The best thing I think I did was write a Resource Compendium for VDOL and state libraries, so that someone coming into a community location like a library with an issue that library staff may not be versed in (domestic abuse, for example) they have a document they can refer to that has contact information, addresses, and names of agencies and services that can help given a particular issue. Topics in the compendium included: employment, domestic abuse, mental health, food access, housing resources, and much more. If you’re interested in the Resource Compendium, visit a library in Washington County, Vermont, or contact me through this site and I can get you a copy.
Anyway, now I’m unemployed again and not sure what I’m going to do next. I started my small business, Red Hoodie Games, last summer and you can check out the blog I write for that here. It’s mostly character concepts; little short stories you can read in a few minutes to give you inspiration for characters, or you’re welcome to use the character and their backstory in your own tabletop role-playing games. As for the business, I hate self-promoting, and loathe advertisements, so getting my name out there has been…well I haven’t gotten my name out there yet. I’m afraid to.
I’m writing a lot. Writing is one of the few things in this world that I feel fairly adept at, and I can exercise all of my knowledge. I feel like I know a little bit, about a very wide variety of things. I love interdisciplinary studies, and I don’t get to use as much crossover when working in employment, or mental health. Writing however, especially for my tabletop games, allows me to use all of the knowledge I have, and it feels generative, and creative, and good. So I’m making an effort to publish much more of my writing, such that hopefully someone will say “Hey that’s awesome, how do I support you?” and gives me a reason to start a Patreon or some other way to sustain myself doing what I love.
I’m pretty against traditional employment, for a number of reasons I’ll discuss in a future Daily Musing. I may have to go back for a while, but every day that I’m a slave for someone else, having to literally sell my life away to live, makes me physically sick and is devastating for my mental health. Part of why I’m so motivated to write now is so that I don’t have to go back to that hell.
Now, you’re probably wondering when I’m going to get to the title, “Sober October 2019”. My girlfriend and I discovered the comedian Bert Kreischer several months ago, and have since discovered his friendship and connection with Joe Rogan and their group of comic friends. On Rogan’s podcast The Joe Rogan Experience, they discuss their Sober October challenge which they’ve apparently been doing for years.
Honesty moment, or “secret time” as Bert would say, I’m an unhealthy guy. I’m not overweight, mostly because my weight has fluctuated a ton this year, but I’m not healthy physically or mentally. I worked at a high-school from Oct 2018-Apr 2019, and I hated nearly every second of it. I’ve written about it a little before so I won’t get into it, but I was so anxious for the last two months or so that I just wouldn’t eat breakfast, throw up at least one morning a week from anxiety, eat the bare minimum for lunch, if anything, because my stomach was in knots, and on top of all of that, I gave up drinking for Lent.
I’m not very religious, but I was raised roman catholic, and Lent was an excuse for me to drink less, because I was drinking a lot, as soon as I got home from that awful job around 3-3:30pm, until I would go to bed between 11pm-1am, and up by 5:30am the next day. I wasn’t eating enough, was throwing up a lot, shaking and sweating with anxiety most days, drinking, smoking weed, vaping, and getting 4-5 hours of sleep. It was becoming dangerous, and I quit that job. I have a draft of a post about my quitting that I may finish and post eventually, but anyway, I digress.
For about 40 days between Feb-April 2019, I wasn’t drinking, and I don’t know how much weight I lost, but I lost a lot. I gained some of it back when I started drinking again, but was still so depressed and anxious, and with my eating habits learned while working at the school, it took me a while to be able to eat breakfast again. I went to the doctors when I got on new insurance through the school in December 2018, and weighed around 150 I think (it was the most I’ve ever seen myself weighing). I’d bet I weigh around 125-130 now. (I also got told I have high cholesterol at age 24…) Yeah, I know. Looking at myself in the mirror was a little frightening. My size 34 waist pants slipped over my waist, and I needed to use the tightest loop my belt had, and I almost had to add a tighter one.
For additional context, I don’t really exercise. I hate running. It’s so meaningless, and gyms scare the hell out of me. I’m just too self-conscious and I’m not going to spend money doing something that my ancestors did organically just by living. My grandfather was outside working all the time, and I wish I could do that, but I live in a city now and I don’t split wood, shovel snow, mow lawns, or do any outdoor chores anymore. I don’t want people to see me. It’s a weird sensation I’ll try to explain more in the future.
My girlfriend has been instrumental in getting me to exercise by going hiking. Hiking with her is one of the few physically strenuous things I get any enjoyment out of anymore. That and the occasional trip to help a grandparent out with some yardwork, which isn’t nearly as fun, but it as least meaningful.
Anyway, I know my health is a problem. Over this summer, one of my co-workers asked me what was up with me, saying I had noticeably lost weight, and she was concerned. I lied and told her I was cutting back on drinking, but work was contributing a lot to my depression as I was realizing how insane it was to be literally selling my life away so that I could live. While we think of depression as a sickness, I think it’s more sick to believe it’s okay to sell your life to get to live, but that’s a topic for another time.
So, the main point, is that I’m using the month of October to try to be healthier, and better overall. I’m making a commitment to writing more, both here and on the Red Hoodie Games blog. I’m not drinking, smoking pot, vaping, or even drinking caffeine. I’m not running, but I’m trying to figure out what I can do to get some exercise in, perhaps a short at-home routine. Exercise is probably the hardest thing for me.
I also need to find a way to make money, which I absolutely hate. I don’t ever want anything to do with money, but because everyone else uses it, I have to.
For at least another week though, I’m trying to just be okay being sober. My mind is a lot more active, which normally would be a good thing if I had something productive to think about. I’m trying to write more, but when I’m not writing, I’m just pissed off that I have to live a life according to all these rules and norms that I’ve had no say in. In fact, that no one alive today has had any say in. You dear reader, are just as trapped as I am, even if you don’t see it. I do plan to write a post explaining how the current system is similar psychologically to the cycle of abuse used to outline domestic violence and abusive relationships, it’s fascinating and terrifying how brainwashed the system makes us.
I’m terrified of what’s going to happen to me this month. I don’t have any of my usual coping mechanisms, so I need to use other ones (writing most prominently), and I’m afraid I’ll resort to old ones, more dangerous than drinking if things get bad enough. I might run out of money, and then…I don’t know what. This isn’t supposed to be a pity party, I’m not writing this so you feel bad for me. I’m writing this so maybe other people understand what I’m going through. Maybe others are going through the same thing and maybe this post will help me find them, and we can band together and support one another. Maybe I’m writing this so I can feel less alone. I don’t know.
I do know however, that I’m doing Sober October.
