I am not good today.
I don’t feel good, I’m not happy, I’m not joyous, nor am I enthusiastic. Yet, today, when asked, I lied, every single time. I didn’t count, I wish I had for the sake of this post, which I knew was what my topic was going to be in the cafeteria talking to a co-worker.
I told her I was anxious and frustrated in an indirect way and she shared in my frustration, or at least understood it. I could tell her because she talks to me like she understands what’s actually going on, and we agree on most things rational people tend to. I’m trying to keep the tone of the post fair and even, although sometimes the best I can manage is curt. Please forgive me. I’m not good today.
I’ve never heard someone say that, that they weren’t good, when you ask how they are. I’ve heard many dodgy answers: “oh you know”, “I’ve been better”, “hanging in there”, and I’m guilty of all of these as well. It’s not often someone says, “I’m unwell.” Not specifically that, but something to the same meaning, and direct.
Most often, my reply is “not bad”, which often is dishonest. Or perhaps I’m not so far as bad, but not well, like being at a two or three on a scale of 1-to-10, where one is truly bad and ten is the best. Most often, I hear people say “good” or “well”, and I know that it may or may not be true, because saying “not good” is just unheard of. Well why not?
We should be able to say when we’re not well. One case is where someone may be nervous to hear it, because their reaction would be to feel like they need to offer help. I don’t tell people because I don’t want to think about how bad I feel, or I don’t want to hear their reaction, regardless of what it is. I don’t need people treating me differently, and when you say you’re not good, people assume someone died, or something happened, like it isn’t okay to just not be okay.
Well it sucks. Because it makes being not okay even harder than it already is. If you’re someone who is generally, genuinely, doing well, congratulations. Please tell those of us who are not, how do you do it? I’ve got one person in my life who I can tell I’m not well. Maybe a few more who I would if I felt like I should, but that’s not a lot. And the workplace? You’ve got to have friends there.
I don’t have a fix for this one folks. Make and build relationships, as best as you can. Try to be friendly, and kind, and do a good job at whatever you do, even if you hate it. You can get some pleasure from the misery knowing you’re still good. Share when you can with who you can that you’re unwell, and help yourself feel better.
Even telling people doesn’t change the social norm that is: not saying you’re unwell. I’m not sure it will change until the view of mental health changes overall. This world has been built so poorly that you have to move one thread to get another to move, which also agitates several other threads, making it incredibly difficult to enact change accurately and quickly. That’s a whole other thing though.
We need to improve mental health, and I think a small, free, and effective way might be deciding to be okay with speaking and hearing, “not good”, or “unwell”, and being comfortable telling and hearing each other’s feelings. Yeah yeah, wishy washy, what’s this guy on about anyway, why’s he talking about feelings?
You don’t have to talk about your feelings if you don’t want to. You have nothing to lose. But if someone tells you about their feelings, be okay with it. Everyone has bad days, and you should have something, anything, to help you feel better. Being able to let people know casually you’re not doing well would be a small thing we could all do.
